Be Good to Me: a letter to my body

This is for all the times I underestimated your worth, and for how many times I’ve tried to hide you under layers, belts, and high waists.

Between the numbers and the way I feel when I look in the mirror, it’s been a literal rollercoaster. Never hate, but a constant (nagging) yearning to be better.

I'm tall with a lean-ish athletic build, and I carry a stubborn pack of weight right in my core. It's been that way so long, I even gave it a name. 

There’s a disconnect between my discipline and desires, but it’s just hard to fight against genetics and the sheer pleasure of not caring. 

It’s hard. Pulling up in the drive through is easy. Running a mile is hard. Doing 30 minutes on the elliptical and calling it a day is easy. Weight training to the point where I'm drenched in sweat and gasping for breath, hard. 

At least it was for the past 24 years. I want more for me, like Eric Thomas said, more than I want to breathe. I’m sick of doing this dance, flirting with progress then turning my back once it inches toward consistency.

A fear of commitment that I wont like what I become.

It's not like I haven't tried. In 2011, I gained the freshman 15 +2, then brought it back down just in time for sophomore year of college. I put on some pounds again in 2015 after a turbulent breakup, clocking in at 173 lbs, the heaviest I had been. Since then, I've dropped down to about 165 lbs, back to a size that didn't make me want to cancel plans and stay home steeped in self-pity. I got comfortable. 

But it’s crowded here, in comfort. I don’t want to live here anymore. I’d rather be out of my element and fully engaged to the best version of myself.

I want to know who she is.

As I elevate in my life, my work and faith, I feel like I’m moving further away from the old me and closer to Super Saiyan, unleashing the power of the Heart-Shaped Herb, all four Infinity Stones in the gauntlet me. 

I know I cant level up and neglect my physical self, otherwise I'd still feel incomplete. I love myself too much to leave my behind. I deserve better.

When I'm 40, I want to look back and be proud of what 25-year-old Joyce did to keep her machine well-oiled and fine tuned. I will never be as free as I am today. Time is in my favor.

You are the one thing I have complete agency over. I'm already thrilled by the improvements that I've made over the years with minimal effort. Imagine what would happen if I actually treated myself the way I deserve? The goal isn't to get super thin, but to build more strength, boost my endurance, and challenge my body and mind while it’s still on my side. 

This is my battle cry. I promise to love, cherish, and always be good to you.

- xo, Joyce